The Most Guilt I've Ever Felt

I have three kids, I chose to have those kids. And I've spent years at home raising them. I wake up when they wake up, I hug, I discipline, I put them to bed. I hear them cry, I hear them laugh. 

I've devoted every minute of almost every single day to my children. I rarely go out, and almost always when they are sleeping. Yet still, I feel guilty. 

I yearn to do things, to learn things, to become something other than a mother. There I said it. I don't wish to replace my job as a mother, but I need something more.

And today, I felt guilty for wanting that. But I felt more guilty because I marched myself down to the school board and registered my three year old special needs boy for school. I cried, I cried when they called to accept him, I cried when I told my mom. I'm crying now as I write this.

I have one job in this world and its to take care of my children, and it's one I take seriously. We have few date nights, leave them in very few cases. And just barely this year my husband has convinced me to take a week long trip this winter. I don't know how I'll manage. 

To some, this seems petty. Oh how many times I've heard comments about how my kids spend too much time with me. Or love me too much. How all they want is me when others are around. 

Apparently, this is a flaw. Except I've never seen it that way. I want to experience everything they say, the way they smell, how they solve problems.

My oldest is in school for his third year, and it wasn't as hard with him. But this time, I cried. Who will protect my soft hearted boy? Who will recognize his signs that he has had enough. Who will hug him when he can't understand? Will I no longer be his person?

My heart is breaking. At the thought of a loss that maybe there are some moms out there that can understand. Those 2.5 hours a day, are hours I can never get back. They are hours I can't watch, I can't hug, I can't be interested in a toy. 

And here begins my adventures as a guilty mom. Guilty, because I not only want more for my children, but I want more for myself. Guilty, because, I'm allowing someone else to cherish MY son, if only for a little while. 

My mother said "aw, he is ready. It will help him develop". My heart knows it's true, and still it breaks. It breaks without reason and makes sense to few. But nonetheless tonight I write with a broken heart.

XX

The Guilty Mama