Where are you?

"Mommy where are you"

My two year old yells around the house as I switch the laundry over.

"Mommy where are you"

My three year old shouts down the hallway while I'm in the bathroom.

Like I may somehow have left them in those few moments and aren't coming back. 

This. This is why the laundry doesn't always get done. This is why sometimes fresh supper isn't made. 

Because I love them, because I don't like hearing the desperation in their voice. I am here baby, I am right here.

And I might feel guilty that I didn't get everything done and my laundry is still piling up. I might feel guilty because my husband has to have pizza or leftovers.

But... It's worth it.

XX,

The Guilty Mom

There was a day.

There was a day, there was a time. That I thought I didn't need any help parenting. There was a time where my "opinions" were "facts" and I knew I wasn't wrong. 

Wrong, wrong again Rachelle. I was wrong. 

My "village" may not live near me, and I certainly don't talk to all of them each day. Often I wonder if they know that they are helping me raise my children.

From a "your doing great" to a "it'll all be ok"..... From "how about this strategy" to a "have a glass of wine".

They have all helped me grow as a mother AND as a person. They have helped me get through the guilt, helped me power through the tantrums. They've offered support in every way they can.

And I don't thank them enough. How could I even begin to show them what they've done for me. How could I even begin to explain to them that they are shining examples, that their parenting skills I yearn to be able to mimic. 

Because there was a day where I didn't think I needed them, and now is a day where I know I couldn't do it without them. I love each of them and their children, I love how each of them have different opinions. I've learned that opinions and strategies, are never too much when given with love. I've learned that no matter how different we all are, we are all very much the same...... because we are all mothers.

So here's to those ladies who are helping me raise my kiddos. Here's to those ladies who get it, and the ones who try to understand. Here's to no judgement, and unconditional love in an unconventional form.

XX,

The Guilty Mom 

We all.

My good friend wrote a post yesterday on Facebook. I've asked her if I could share it. 

"A confession from my heart tonight. 

I feel like being a second-time-mom is so incredibly different then the first time.  I feel like the first time I survived. Everything was new... There was no rhyme or reason and for the most part everything that we survived we did without much effort required. My first was an easy baby. My second is an easy baby too... I feel so fortunate but at the same time I feel so conflicted. Things are bothering me this time that never did the first time. My baby loves me so much. He wants nothing more then to be constantly touching and watching his mama. He smiles at me, talks to me a lights up as soon as he sees me. He doesn't do this for anyone else.... Just his mama. I love it... But it terrifies me. My first took a bottle, My second doesn't. My first needed to be nursed to sleep but then was happy to sleep in his crib... My second isn't - he wants to be tucked right into me in bed. I love it... This baby wants me... But I hate it because I'm terrified I'm creating habits that are going to eventually become problems. I never felt this emotionally controlled by my first.... My second has me wrapped around his finger. Half of my friends tell me "he's a baby..... Enjoy it while it lasts" and the other half tell me to "be careful" because in the long run our current sleeping and feeding arrangements could become a problem. My second likely will not be my last baby.... But I do feel

Strongly for some reason that I need to treat him like he is. Did anyone else feel this way with their second? I'm totally in love... But totally terrified too."

Moms. We have all been made to feel guilty for everything we do. And by made to I mean I believe it's a very real part of our brains. If we don't hold our baby all the time we feel guilty for that, and if we hold them all the time, we feel guilty for that. 

Mom guilt is so real! I feel it every day, just as my good friend does. But really, we shouldn't. Is that going to stop us from feeling it? Not likely. 

So I offer this, even though I can hardly even do it myself. As we cuddle, scold, maybe lose our cool. As we rock, read the tenth story for the night, or listen to our little ones crying because "it's not dark outside yet". As we drop off at school, as we leave them with a babysitter of their father. As we walk away during a tantrum, or give in just so we don't have to hear the screaming. As we pour a glass of wine once they are all sleeping, or take the hiding chocolate bar out to finally eat. As we order dinner instead of cooking it, as we "settle" for sandwiches for supper. As we run out the door to discover that we forgot to put socks on our kiddo. As we deal with tantrums in the middle of the store. As we sit and enjoy instead of cleaning the house, or clean the house and let our children play together. When we let them watch a little too much TV because today is just not our day....... Do not feel guilty. Do not worry about the future. Do not for one second think your doing it wrong. Do not assume you are "at fault" for making your child the way they are. They are children for only a short time. One more kiss, one more cuddle, it's all relative. 

And to my friend, you are an incredible mom. Do not doubt yourself. Do not let friends plant seeds of doubt in your mind. Let your heart guide you in parenting. There will be times your heart can't handle even one more minute, there will be times you want to give up. But I'll tell you a secret..... None of us actually know what we are doing.

XX,

The Guilty Mom

Then there was two.

I took my oldest to the doctor last week as request by his principal. 

Now in my heart I've always known that he had some form of something ADHD, ADD, what have you.

Some people don't believe in it.... They should watch my oldest for even 2 minutes. 

I was there to get a simple bloodwork request to make sure no outside issues existed.

The doctor has a notepad he writes everything in. He's an old school doctor. I love him. He delivered my youngest two kids. He has held all my baby's in his arms soon after they were born. 

We were in the room for maybe 10 minutes. My oldest literally has no ability to just sit still. Not for even 30 seconds 

In his notebook he wrote ADHD in big letters and put a box around it. He didn't say it out loud, I suppose he didn't need to. I mean I can read. 

Where have I failed? I feel somewhat accountable for the fact that two of my children are unable to function at a "typical" level with other kids their age. It's not fair to them. 

Then I thought to myself, I've been dealing with all of this for years. I've known this for years. It's not a secret to anyone who knows my oldest son...... But why do things have to be MORE difficult than they could be. 

So now I spend 30 minutes every week dealing with the teacher, principal, and whomever else needs to discuss my sons behaviour with me.

What do they want me to do? What do they want me to say? I'm trying it all. I'm doing everything I can. 

And the guilt, it's incredible. If only. I think it constantly. What if they had a different mom? Would they be more typical? What if I was better, did more crafts? What if I had taught my oldest to sit still before he went to school instead of embracing his high energy? 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

About me.

So a few months ago I decided I needed more. More than being a mom. Que snobby moms sticking up noses. 

Firstly, let me say, I do LOVE being a mom. It's every single part of me, and more. It's all of my heart and all of my soul. I do it every day, happily. I miss my kids when they aren't here. I leave them rarely.

But that doesn't mean I can't be more. For almost four years I've had a dayhome. I've been able to raise my kids, and watch them do everything they learn. I've taught them, and been the one to put them to bed most nights. And while I love doing that, I want to contribute to the world more. 

So, I decided to go back to school. To be a nurse. And I got in! I will be doing it distance learning so I'll still be able to be at home with my kids while I learn! It will be hard work, I'll require help. And I'll need to really focus each and every single day. But I want to do it. I want to be more, and I want to do it for my kids! 

So January 1 I start my new journey! And I'm ok with that! I'm confident in knowing that I'm doing what's best for all of us! And I am super excited about it! 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

Don't freak out!

Today was a tough one. I went to grab my boy from school, and the teacher explains to me.......

My boy had walked out the classroom door, out the school, and was outside watching construction workers. 

Aside from wondering how the heck a child walks away from a classroom with no one noticing, I'm sooooo grateful he wasn't missing for long.

I could only imagine my feelings if I had gotten a call saying he was missing.

Partially, I blame myself (there's the guilt again). I forgot to mention that he was prone to wandering. I mean, he's done it here in his home a couple times, so I should have remembered to tell the teacher. 

But! I didn't get upset, I mean mistakes happen, he was alive and well. He didn't get hurt in any way. I told the teacher it was ok, that I had forgotten to mention that he is prone to wandering. She said now that they knew they would be extra vigilant. So, what else could I ask for? 

This afternoon, reflecting, I don't blame the teacher. How could she have known? I really should have remembered to tell her. But, I forget things, I'm not perfect. 

Setting it aside, blame won't matter. Neither will guilt. I can only take comfort in the fact that this won't happen again. And that he is safe! 

Working on letting go of that guilt! I'm a good mom, I just forgot! 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

It's not easy, but it's worth it?!?

Ok, I've heard this one many many times. In regards to so many things it's insane.

"It's not easy, but it's worth it"

Along with;

"This too shall pass"

My middle kiddo has used a bottle for a long time. He's almost 3.5 years old. I get it, it's a long time. But, it comforts him, and I'd hardly like someone to take away my comforts. I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone say "nope, not any more" to the things that calm me.

But, alas, I did it. Ack! It's been 6 days and I'm still battling the tantrums. Tonight he screamed for over an hour at bedtime because he could not have a bottle. This afternoon he had 4 meltdowns. I stood my ground. 

I don't feel bad for him crying, I don't feel bad for standing my ground, so don't get my feelings in this one wrong. I simply feel bad for taking the thing that comforts him away from him. Cruel. That's how I feel it is. Not necessary; that's another thing I think it is. 

I did it though, because society expects it of him, expects it of me. And if I refuse I am therefore labelled a bad mom by other moms. Who just don't understand the reason behind him having one. 

It's true, he doesn't NEED a bottle. The truth is he WANTS a bottle, it makes him feel better and makes him feel safe. And I wish that was enough.

XX,

The Guilty Mom

When I thought I had it under control

I'm a mom, I've got this stuff under control. I mean, after all, I've been doing this for almost six years.

Yet Monday night I suffered my very first panic attack. At first I thought I was having an asthma attack, but wait, I don't have asthma.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't catch my breath. My blood pressure was through the roof, my pulse was high. My husband took me to the hospital as I admitted defeat. 

They treated me and I came home. The next day I still hadn't fully recovered. I felt like any moment I might break down.

Now I was feeling guilty AND like a failure.  But I kept going. I don't know what scared me the most. I don't know why I in that moment could no longer handle the burdens on my shoulders.

And then and there I realized it was time. Time to explain to everyone that I just could no longer maintain status quo. 

No, I do not require you to interrogate me about my parenting decisions.

No, I do not require you to sympathize with my anxiety of sending my middle child to school.

In addition, no, I do not think you have the right to tell me how I should feel.

No, you have no right to tell me to get over it. 

You certainly can't understand that this is not the only thing going on in my life. I carry many secrets, many burdens, many stresses. They intertwine, they affect one another. You can't see them or hear them. I maintain a well made mask in front of many many people. 

On Monday night, I admitted defeat, I picked myself up and I said "no more", I will not let the stresses and burdens of life ruin mine. Not today, not tomorrow, and certainly not anywhere into the future. 

Failure, is not an option.

XX

The Guilty Mom