The mother.

The mother you saw at the grocery store today in her pajamas. She's not lazy, she was up all night with her kiddos and needs to run quickly out to grab some stuff for tomorrow, she forgot to dress up for that, or maybe she doesn't have the energy.

The mother at the extended family dinner table who isn't talking, she's hurting, she feels like her feelings don't matter, like the family does not care what she thinks.

The mother at the park on her phone, she's trying to get some stuff organized so she doesn't lose her mind in the next week.

The mother who shouted at her child for something seemingly simple, he just told her that he hated her and he was never going to listen to her. Or that she was stupid.

The mother with tears streaming down her face, she's grateful for her children but she's lost, she feels like a failure. Don't judge her for being sad, she's not sad she's a mother, she's sad she isn't a better one. 

Don't judge people, you have no idea what storm they are walking through.

Reply to a letter from the Internet world.

You can read the full letter here, but basically it's a letter from a mother in law to her daughter in law on ways to be a good daughter in law.

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-daughter-in-law-your-mil-wants/

I've got a few comments on these:

1. Don’t tell me how I “am welcome any time” and then rant on your social media thingie about how I am “always at your house and up in your business.” If you don’t mean any time, then don’t say it. I didn’t realize I’d need to make an appointment to see my own child and grandchildren, but if that’s what it takes to keep us copacetic, then that’s what I’ll do. I fully realize that dropping by without calling first is rude, but for some reason, you never seem to answer the phone. So…

Reply: When people tell you you are welcome anytime it's kinda like when they tell you to call anytime.... They mean to use discretion. In this case, realize that we have schedules, plans, and just general stuff to do, we don't have time to entertain you while we are supposed to be cranking out all that stuff. As for why we don't answer our phone... That one is covered in another one.

2. Answer the damn phone! I am not a telemarketer trying to sell you carpet shampoo. I am the mother of your spouse, grandmother to your children, and you could at least give me the respect of picking up the phone, if only to say, “Sorry Diane, I’ve got my hands full and can’t talk right now.”

Reply: Honestly, I don't care if your the queen. When I'm up to my elbows in bleach water cleaning the floors, or reading books with my children, or stopping them from flinging their food, I do not have time to answer your phone call. And quite frankly it would be easier if you left a message or sent a text. I'm not going to interrupt a story, or bedtime to answer your phone call. 

3. As much as I adore my grandchildren, I am not your free ticket to eternal childcare. Contrary to what you may think, I do have a life of my own. If you want me to watch the kids for you, I’m sure I’d probably be delighted. But you DO need to ask first with plenty of notice, so that I can rearrange my schedule if needed and stock up on groceries. If you expect me to respect your time and space, (see #1), please extend me the same courtesy. I promise to answer the phone when you call.

Reply: I don't call you often to watch my kids because quite honestly I can't trust you to follow my rules. Aside from that though, as a courtesy do not call me last minute asking if I can bring my children out to you, we have plans, schedules, and it's not fair to also ask us to drop our plans for your schedule.

4. Act like the adult you purport to be, and don’t bitch about me behind my back. I’m sure that my child doesn’t like being put in the middle any more than YOU would, so if you have a problem with me, put your big girl panties on and come talk to ME about it.

Reply: First, keep in mind that the people you complain to also repeat it to me. So don't act self righteous about it. Now let me explain something to you. Your son is now MY husband first and foremost. Andfortunately  for us we have strong and open communication and that includes talking about feelings and even stuff that you've done that makes us mad. Also, our husband has asked us on countless occasions to let him handle speaking to you. Try to understand that we would like to say all of our thoughts to you ourselves..... But you would much rather hear his version.

5. Passive-aggressiveness is still aggressive.(Not to mention rude.) Don’t tell me how nice my house looks, followed immediately by some snide comment about you would rather take more time to enjoy your children instead of cleaning. You have toddlers. I don’t; I did my time. It’s a pretty simple concept. My clean house is not an automatic slam against your housekeeping skills in your own house. Defensive much?

Reply: Actually we are only commenting this way because every time you come over you make a point of doing dishes, laundry, etc, and it makes us feel bad about our housekeeping skills. We wish you understood that this is our space and to stay out of it unless asked for help. We just want you to understand that we envy your clean house, but we spend our time raising our kiddos, so don't judge ours.... And we know you judge ours because our husbands tell us that.

6. Don’t buy me clothes or decor for gifts, if they are drastically different than what I own. I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I think it’s pretty clear that we shop from radically different catalogs. Gift certificates or something the kids made is perfectly acceptable and appreciated. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my kitchen doesn’t have a single red rooster in it, so I’m not exactly sure where you expect me to put all this barnyard memorabilia you keep buying me…

Reply: Ok cool, but if you could stop buying or clothes two sizes larger than what size I wear that would be appreciated. Or clothes that make me look fatter than I am. As you said, gift cards are perfectly acceptable.

7. It’s my money, so please let me spend it.If I want to lavish my grandchildren with gifts, it’s because I love them and I have the ability to do so. It’s not to shame you for not being able to match me dollar for dollar.

Reply: We don't actually think that your trying to shame us by spending money on our children. What makes us upset is that you don't first check if those things are appropriate for that child, if they like that, or if they are appropriate for our household. If we don't want our children playing video games and you buy them one, it going to end up on kijiji. If you give our children gun toys when we do not like them in our home, we will get rid of them. Please, consider our rules, please consider what our children want and then make your decision, this would really help.

8. I want my son/daughter to be happy and have a happy marriage, but know this: I am the mother. I will always be the mother. If by death, divorce, or desertion, you two were to ever be separated, I will still be here to pick up the pieces. Your own children will grow up one day, and you will understand this.

Reply: While you are his mother, you must also understand that I am his wife. As a husband he has to no longer put you first. He has to put his wife first. Know this: I am the wife.

9. Speaking of, you DO realize that I successfully produced an offspring that grew into such an amazing adult that YOU decided to marry and have children with…right? I may not be up on all the current parenting trends and psychological research, but by your own standards in mate selection, I must have done something right. You don’t have to hang on every word I say, and please forgive me if you think I’m overstepping with the unsolicited advice, but I have YEARS and YEARS of experience. It’s got to be good for something. Maybe you could at least try to listen to some of it every once in a while.

Reply: I married the man you raised and spent months and months fixing problems you created, problems you never bothered to address. So let me just say this. Unless I directly ask YOU for your advice, I don't want it. You had your chance to raise your children.

10. Contrary to what you might think, I am not trying to control you or judge you. Ok, well, I might judge you a little bit. I can’t help it. Really, though, I’m trying not to. I just want my son to be happy and have a good life, and I want the same for my grandchildren. Your spouse may be your spouse, but he’s still a son and a brother and an uncle and a nephew and a father, all rolled into one. You’re going to have to share, whether you like it or not. Might as well learn to be gracious about it. I had to.

Reply: Except you haven't been gracious about it, you've continually interjected into our loves about our decisions and in personal matters. You've explained to me how he is your son and that means your more important. Wrong. I don't mind sharing my husband, what I don't like is people interjecting into our lives through him. We don't need your opinion. But let me make one thing clear, I will not share if you can't learn to respect me.

XX

The Guilty Mom

Ode to...... Nope not ice cream.

Ode to..... My sisters. 

I have THE most incredible sisters and support team in the world. 

My oldest sister, she is the strongest woman I know. She has faced incredible trials and still somehow keeps her spirit. We didn't always get along, I mean the turkey broke my arm once (by the way I'll never let you live that down). We fought like cats and dogs, and we definitely didn't lean on each other for support. But as young as we are, we are both much wiser now. The bond we have been able to salvage and grow is unlike another. I tell her everything, there are no secrets between us. It doesn't matter if it's 3am or happy hour, we are there for each other. I don't know how I've gone so long without this bond but I do know I'll never let it get away. Im so proud of you and everything you are overcoming, I'm so proud to know you are my sister, aunt to my children.

My younger sister, she is an incredible person. I've watched her make changes in her life that I don't know I would have been a strong enough person to make. She's a strong mother, a wonderful compassionate friend, and a soft hearted person. She always means well, and honestly I don't think I've ever seen her as happy as I do now.... With her kiddo and soon to be baby! You and I might not always see eye to eye but I love you, and I am so proud of what you have accomplished in the past five years! From taking good care of my precious baby boy, to getting married and having two of your own.

My youngest sister, oh give this little one wings. She would learn to fly. She has never let anything take her down and I don't think she ever will. Her strength, perseverance, and the way she treats those close to her are something that people should watch. They should learn from her that nothing is impossible and the world is in your hands. She is smart, and beautiful! Fly far baby girl, you could reach the stars! 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

An open ended letter to my father.

You, you right there, you should be ashamed of yourself. 

How dare you put a ten minute time limit on a discussion with your daughter, how dare you blame your ancient marital problems on your current nonexistent relationship with your children. 

You, you are the reason your children hurt. You and you alone. And to bring your marital issues up with your daughter is despicable. 

How dare you for one second blame anyone but yourself for your actions. Those are yours to be held accountable for.

How dare you blame the mother of your children for your laziness, she picked up the slack you didn't care to take. Soon you'll start blaming the man who stepped up when you continually stepped out. 

How in heavens name can you have a baby, hold that baby as a sweet newborn, then walk away and not look back? How dare you refuse them the right of your support. No, I am not talking financial support, I'm talking emotional support.

So the next time you give me ten minutes. Here's what I have to say;

If you'll give me ten minutes you had better sit back and listen because I intend to talk for the entire ten minutes. You should be ashamed of the "man" you have become. Your mother would be ashamed of you. You denied your children the experience of you, and for that you will have to deal with your guilt. Do you even know your oldest daughter favourite colour? Do you have any idea what your youngest daughter does for work? I could not care less what cause my mother and you to split up, and to bring it up is childish. Keep your personal issues out of our relationship. You ignore your daughters, you let them down constantly. This is on you and you only. You say you don't refuse to see us, then explain the unanswered invitations, the texts you say yes to then bail but don't even bother calling. Again, this is on you. I get it drinking, women, and gambling is fun, way more fun than having a family. I feel sorry for you, you have no family. This, is on you. No one made you do any of this stuff. And you deserve the karma coming to you. You need to learn to be responsible for your actions, dig deep, I'm sure your mother instilled this principle on you at some point. 

Stop acting like a child. How can you not see your children are suffering, no not because of you. We have learned to expect less of you. Because we have issues in our lives, and we are leaning on each other to help get through them. You've denied us the safety of a fathers arms.

Thank God someone else stepped up, that has the compassion you lack. You are not a father, you are a child. One day you'll realize your mistake, and I hope for your sake that it's not too late.

Take a lesson from the man who stands with your daughters, take a lesson from the women you made a mother. She is there for her children, and he is there for your children. 

Continue on with your drinking, women, and gambling.... It will be the only thing you have left.

If one day you read this, I won't be ashamed to say I wrote it. I won't be feel guilt when you read my feelings. Because I deserve to be heard.

XX,

The Guilty Mom

It's not about you.

Just taking a sidebar here. 

The federal election just finished. A liberal majority. Let's start by saying that I am not a liberal supporter, so don't take my statements as that of one.

First, we have a prime minister for four years. Yes, they can do a lot wrong, but shouldn't we give them a chance? 

A prime minister is the sum of his country. We should stand behind him, and believe he will do good for this country.

Don't agree with something they are doing? Take it to your MP, that's what they get paid for!! 

Second, respect the votes of your friends, family and acquaintances. They voted for what they believe in, you can't fault them for that. Most of them researched, talked to friends, and went with the party they truly believed in. Are you willing to risk your relationships for a federal election? Do you not admire the adversity among us?

Now my family is strong supporters of the Conservative party, but I am not. But I don't care, it's not about them, it's not about us, and it doesn't effect our relationship. 

So please, in the wake of our federal election, support your Prime Minister. He's our leader for four years. It's been shown that people who have people who believe in them, support them, and cheer for them, do better than those who do not. 

Do not expect him to fail, expect him to succeed. Cheer when he does, and when he doesn't, take it to your MP. Help Canada unite, help Canada be great. 

Let's watch our country grow in the strength of our united front. Because a country is not made of its prime minister, it's made of its citizens. Have some respect. 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

Because you are mine.

Because you are mine I linger a little longer watching you sleep. You are mine and I made you. I miss your kicks, I miss holding you tight in my arms as a newborn. I miss rocking you as you fell into a blissful sleep. 

Because you are mine I watch you while you eat. Not because I'm hungry, but because you look so sweet. I'll feed these mouths for years, always admiring your features.

Because you are mine I sometimes crawl into your bed to hold you for a while. I watch you breathe slowly, and quietly because this is the only time you are quiet. 

Because you are mine I miss you while I'm gone. Yes, I enjoy my time to myself, but I still miss you. I miss it when you say mama, I even miss it when you cry and I have to kiss away your imaginary owies.

Once upon a time you were only mine and I never had to share, and one day you won't be mine anymore. You will grow up and move away, maybe get married and have children of your own. But right now, you are mine.

One day you won't need me anymore. One day you'll have pains I can't kiss away and know sorrow only an adult should know. One day your heart will break, and I won't be able to fix it. One day you might not call me mama anymore, and I won't be the first person you call when you achieve something. 

So for now, I will protect you, I will watch you, and I will keep you safe from the trials us adults know. I will shelter you, and I will never stop. I will never let you see the angry side of the world, or witness those among us who are not compassionate. 

And I will never regret it. Every day you are able to see the amazing things in the world, you will become more of the person you were meant to be and less of the person the world wants you to be. 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

I love you even though.

My daughter, I love you even though you cried all night last night. I love you even when you're angry. I love you even when you want nothing to do with me. I love your spirit, I love your smile. I love you even though you will not always love me most.

I love you.

My son, I love you even though you broke that window last week. I love you even though I have no glass bowls left in our house. I love you even though you punched me because you were mad. I love you even though you said I was stupid. I love you even when you scream and kick the door at bedtime.

I love you.

My son, I love you even though you had a bad day at school. I love you even though you told a lie. I love you even when you can't learn your sight words. I love you even though you say you hate me. I love you even when you can't focus on practicing piano. I love you even though you didn't listen to me when I told you no.

I love you.

My children, I love your hair, I love your smile. I love your soft skin under my hand as I rub your face/arm while you rest. I love your cuddles and your silly comments. I love the way you love to cook in the kitchen with me. I love it when you make a mess for me to clean, because it means you had fun. I love when you tell me I cook so good, you are good for my ego. I love you when you ask me why I made my face pretty, I love that you noticed. I love being your first love, your mother. I love listening to your problems and your exciting accomplishments. I love watching you succeed. I love the sparkle in your eyes. 

I love your untainted look on life. I love that you see good in everyone. I love that you love unquestionably. I love that you stand up for the values I taught you. I love that you make me proud. 

My children, I love you now and forever.

XX,

The Guilty Mom

Dog safety.

Ok so this post is brought to you by.... None other than my son getting bit by a dog. 

First let me say that I whole heartedly believe that owners are responsible for their dogs and responsible for telling other people that their dog is not friendly if an occasion calls for it (a get together, a birthday etc). I in no way blame a dog for this behaviour.

My children see dogs frequently. They know that they should not touch strangers dogs without asking. But I guess I missed the bus on family members. Until now we haven't had much of an issue. Family always says "the dog isn't friendly" etc. 

This time this didn't happen. There was no warning, so I thought nothing of my children playing outside like normal. Had we been given a heads up we would have accompanied our children outside, or told them the rules about said dog.

My son is a loving boy, he hopped into the back of the truck pet the dog, and upon receiving a good reaction went to hug the dog and the dog bit him in the face. He came inside all bloody. That was horrific for me as a mother. 

DOG SAFETY

1. Never approach an unknown dog from behind or straight on. Behind can startle them or make them feel like they need to protect themselves, head on can feel like a challenge. So angled slightly when possible is best.

2. Open flat hand palm up presented about a foot away from their face is a polite introduction. Consider it how to shake a dogs hand. This is a non threatening way for the dog to choose if they want to investigate your scent and open the relationship.

3. If the dog is calm and interested (sniffing, not showing any stress signs), scratching the dog under the chin is the safest next step. People tend to pat the top of the head. But for a dog that doesn't know you, this can block their eyesight and leave them feeling forced into a submissive position. Under the chin keeps things neutral.

4. Never hug a dog you don't know.

90% of dogs DO NOT like being hugged. They learn to tolerate it. But in no situation with their pack would they ever be hugged. It's restrictive, and limits their ability to protect themselves, etc. 

5. "Resource guarding" is something anyone getting a dog should research the shit out of. Gently introducing dogs to feeling comfortable with people touching their food, food bowls, favorite toys, beds, favorite people, etc is crucial. It is instinct for a dog to feel the need to protect things that are important. We do that as humans, dogs do that as well. And the majority of bites that happen in a private home, happen because a child grabbed a toy they shouldn't, or approached the dog while they were eating. Etc. so researching a gentle approach (because yelling or getting angry will only cause more stress and making it worse) is an easy preventative measure.

Non aggressive, gentle, training (positive reinforcement) is the safest way to encourage a relationship with a dog that loves and respects you. 

Here are some resources you can look into:

http://awesomedogs.ca/default.shtml

http://drsophiayin.com/blog/entry/kids-and-dogs-how-kids-should-and-should-not-interact-with-dogs

Owners, please be responsible about your dogs, please warn all people about your dog if your dog is prone to being unfriendly. 

And I, as a parent have educated my children on dog safety to help reduce the risks of something happening to my kids.

Lastly, regardless of the trust a parent might have in the dog or animal, supervision is the number one preventative measure. Even children being safe and respectful could be bit. And while the dog owner is absolutely responsible for the dogs behaviour, the parents shouldn't trust anyone else's idea of safe. Some people are stupid. 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

What does it do?

One day you're lounging around you're house and having three hour long Sunday afternoon naps and the next you're arguing because one spouse isn't going to be home in time so you don't have to take three screaming kids to Taekwondo. 

Kids. What does that do to a marriage? Furthermore what does having special needs kids do to a marriage?

Fun. We have forgotten what that is. It might now be defined as your child only screaming for two hours at bedtime. Or maybe it's defined by what it's not, convincing children who hate having their hair washed to wash their hair. 

We don't even know how to do a night out anymore. What do we even do with some time we might have to ourselves? 

Maybe we sent one spouse with two kids because we had to stay behind with one. Or maybe your spouse didn't come because they were busy providing for their family. 

We forgot that everything didn't need to be debated and feelings don't always need to be understood. 

I can't count the times I've asked that he see things from my point of view. 

But the truth is, I shouldn't need that validation. Because that's what it is I am actually asking for. Why do I NEED him to allow my feelings? Why do I REQUIRE him to tell me I'm right?

When did I stop being one person. When did I stop having a marriage with my husband just because I have a family? 

When did we stop having fun just because tomorrow we have to be parents?

That stops now. And yes, I'll feel guilty, because being a parent isn't about the fun you get to go out and have..... But really, what is life without fun? 

XX,

The Guilty Mom

Growing pains

I mean this in both the literal and figuratively.

In the literal aspect, my daughter is the only of our three kids that has had growing pains. I have not a clue how I escaped this plague with the other two. Here's where I appeal to moms, what do you do, what do you use to help. Nothing I do seems to work, socks at bed time, a banana before bed, and she keeps waking up screaming getting me to rub her legs and feet. Poor kiddo.

Figuratively....

So I thought that as my children got older it would get easier. I thought we would get into a routine and that it would just be easy. WRONG.

Boy was I ever wrong. I wanted it to work that way, really I did. But then one started school and he was old enough to be in activities and sports. And I want him to learn skills, ones I didn't learn or wanted to or even maybe didn't have an interest in. Oh but wait, why can't the three year old go to taekwondo? Insert tantrum. Oh but wait, why is mommy leaving me while she goes to piano?? Insert mommy guilt. Oh how the mommy guilt is high these days.

But really, I assumed it would be so so much easier than it is. Quick finish making supper, quick swallow it kids. Please, shove all these sight words into your brain in the next fifteen minutes so that the teacher doesn't think I'm a sucky mom. Let's go to piano, the babysitter is here, dad is still at work. Get home. Mama has an internal debate.... Bedtime or one more round of sight words. Ok bedtime, but wait you need a bath. And I need to clean the floors. Oh can't the floors wait? I'm tired and I haven't had a real meal all day. Because I was cleaning the kitchen while you ate, then I chased you around the house attempting to clean up the food you decided to find in the pantry and leave all over my house. 

But it doesn't get easier??? This too shall not pass?!? To be fair, that has become my least favourite saying. This too shall pass??? How is one person allowed to say that to another person? Where do you justify sticking your nose in and giving false hope? What makes you think you know what the other person is feeling or exactly what they are going through? Maybe we didn't communicate properly.....

To clear things up;

I'm running on fumes. I am raising three children while working from home to provide for our family. My husband is out working hard, which means he can't always be home. I'm dealing with family deaths every six months or so, losing all the heros I look up to. I'm not sleeping well, dealing with personal issues I may or may not want to discuss with you, chances are it's the latter. 

So please, refrain from trying to tell me it will get better, it's not helpful. Please, don't judge what you see and what you hear because there are so many more factors to that equation. Don't pretend to know what anyone else is going through. You don't know how they feel, when they feel it. You don't know how their day has been, or the thoughts in their head. 

Don't judge, you know not the storm that I've been asked to walk through. Just as I know not the storm you are walking through. 

To the other moms just staying above water, I'm here for you. I may not always be available, and I'm definitely not in an emotional place where I can give you anymore of my shoulder, but I'm hear. You can talk to me, you can ask me for advice, and I'll never pretend like I know what your going through. And I definitely won't tell you it'll end. Because when no end is in sight, you'll need someone to blame. And I want to be there for you. So if you need to message me and tell me your troubles at 3am, I promise I'll read them, when I can. I promise I'll respond. I promise I'll have a few tips, or know someone who might. And I'll never judge you.

XX,

The Guilty Mom