"A confession from my heart tonight.
I feel like being a second-time-mom is so incredibly different then the first time. I feel like the first time I survived. Everything was new... There was no rhyme or reason and for the most part everything that we survived we did without much effort required. My first was an easy baby. My second is an easy baby too... I feel so fortunate but at the same time I feel so conflicted. Things are bothering me this time that never did the first time. My baby loves me so much. He wants nothing more then to be constantly touching and watching his mama. He smiles at me, talks to me a lights up as soon as he sees me. He doesn't do this for anyone else.... Just his mama. I love it... But it terrifies me. My first took a bottle, My second doesn't. My first needed to be nursed to sleep but then was happy to sleep in his crib... My second isn't - he wants to be tucked right into me in bed. I love it... This baby wants me... But I hate it because I'm terrified I'm creating habits that are going to eventually become problems. I never felt this emotionally controlled by my first.... My second has me wrapped around his finger. Half of my friends tell me "he's a baby..... Enjoy it while it lasts" and the other half tell me to "be careful" because in the long run our current sleeping and feeding arrangements could become a problem. My second likely will not be my last baby.... But I do feel
Strongly for some reason that I need to treat him like he is. Did anyone else feel this way with their second? I'm totally in love... But totally terrified too."
Moms. We have all been made to feel guilty for everything we do. And by made to I mean I believe it's a very real part of our brains. If we don't hold our baby all the time we feel guilty for that, and if we hold them all the time, we feel guilty for that.
Mom guilt is so real! I feel it every day, just as my good friend does. But really, we shouldn't. Is that going to stop us from feeling it? Not likely.
So I offer this, even though I can hardly even do it myself. As we cuddle, scold, maybe lose our cool. As we rock, read the tenth story for the night, or listen to our little ones crying because "it's not dark outside yet". As we drop off at school, as we leave them with a babysitter of their father. As we walk away during a tantrum, or give in just so we don't have to hear the screaming. As we pour a glass of wine once they are all sleeping, or take the hiding chocolate bar out to finally eat. As we order dinner instead of cooking it, as we "settle" for sandwiches for supper. As we run out the door to discover that we forgot to put socks on our kiddo. As we deal with tantrums in the middle of the store. As we sit and enjoy instead of cleaning the house, or clean the house and let our children play together. When we let them watch a little too much TV because today is just not our day....... Do not feel guilty. Do not worry about the future. Do not for one second think your doing it wrong. Do not assume you are "at fault" for making your child the way they are. They are children for only a short time. One more kiss, one more cuddle, it's all relative.
And to my friend, you are an incredible mom. Do not doubt yourself. Do not let friends plant seeds of doubt in your mind. Let your heart guide you in parenting. There will be times your heart can't handle even one more minute, there will be times you want to give up. But I'll tell you a secret..... None of us actually know what we are doing.
XX,
The Guilty Mom
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