Then there was two.

I took my oldest to the doctor last week as request by his principal. 

Now in my heart I've always known that he had some form of something ADHD, ADD, what have you.

Some people don't believe in it.... They should watch my oldest for even 2 minutes. 

I was there to get a simple bloodwork request to make sure no outside issues existed.

The doctor has a notepad he writes everything in. He's an old school doctor. I love him. He delivered my youngest two kids. He has held all my baby's in his arms soon after they were born. 

We were in the room for maybe 10 minutes. My oldest literally has no ability to just sit still. Not for even 30 seconds 

In his notebook he wrote ADHD in big letters and put a box around it. He didn't say it out loud, I suppose he didn't need to. I mean I can read. 

Where have I failed? I feel somewhat accountable for the fact that two of my children are unable to function at a "typical" level with other kids their age. It's not fair to them. 

Then I thought to myself, I've been dealing with all of this for years. I've known this for years. It's not a secret to anyone who knows my oldest son...... But why do things have to be MORE difficult than they could be. 

So now I spend 30 minutes every week dealing with the teacher, principal, and whomever else needs to discuss my sons behaviour with me.

What do they want me to do? What do they want me to say? I'm trying it all. I'm doing everything I can. 

And the guilt, it's incredible. If only. I think it constantly. What if they had a different mom? Would they be more typical? What if I was better, did more crafts? What if I had taught my oldest to sit still before he went to school instead of embracing his high energy? 

XX,

The Guilty Mom